Vironika Tugaleva: The object of her envy
Confiscated from
The Love Mindset
by Vironika Tugaleva
My relationship with myself was the most verbally abusive relationship I’ve ever had.
. . . . .
One mid-June afternoon in my late teen years, I had my first eye-opening experience . . . .
There I was gliding awkwardly through the perfume department when I looked up and I saw a girl that immediately triggered that hot, sick envy. Like a shot of straight whiskey, it came down hard and washed its hot sickness into every part of my core.
As she walked towards me, I eyed her skinny thighs and perfect breasts, wishing I had what she had. If only, I thought, if only I could have a body like that. Why couldn’t I be born with a body like that?
She came closer and closer. I felt my heart beating faster as I imagined her eyes drilling through my enormous, unshapely frame silently thanking her creator that, at least, she didn’t look like me.
My face reddened. I felt my tense limbs surrender in helplessness. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to be her, and to stop being myself. I wanted to jump right out of my ugly, disgusting skin and settle into her comfortable, beautiful body.
Only when I was about to walk headfirst into the mirror did I realize it was me. I envied myself. Confused and shocked, I walked out of the store in a strange daze.